Genesis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a Savage; so hold your ears! oops, eyes Sharon laughs at me because I believe that things happen for a specific reason. We share many different ideas on the what's and why's of any given situation, but it has never stopped us from enjoying each other. For the past several weeks I have had a tempest brewing deep within me. I have lashed out in anger and shouted my disapproval at others for deplorable moral behaviors. I am no longer a child that needs to be told who to be nice to! I am at an age and disposition too choose who it is I wish to associate with. Danna, unbeknownst to her, evoked memories that were best left dormat. That night is what made me realize why it was that I always kept Danna at a distance. When she turned to me and said 'be nice', it was my mother. Danna is a beautiful woman; but her haughtiness reeks of artificial class. That storm has swirled and swirled. My anger was completely out of control, my head brought me too my knees. So much pain and fear was being had. All my insecurities broke from the closet. I must have sensed an awakening within from which my Mother brought forth. From previous experiences, I knew it would take a long time for those monsters too be tamed and lured back to the dark of my hidden closet. It wasn't til I had a conversation with my sister in '99 and asked her if she remembered certain things that had bothered me for so long and that I felt I was making up. When I asked of those stories, she told me yes, I remember them. I cried from being released of those memories and knowing I wasn't just being dramatic. My anger is such, that I express myself immediately and then its gone. But then again, I have a suck ass memory (or so I claim) and fear I'll forget too let that person know how angry I am. Today, I received the phone call from my brother. He told me I need to get a grip on my anger. That it is I that has wrecked havoc upon the family. Now here is the same person who also claimed I was totally responsible for all the sorrow caused to mom because I ran away from home at the age of 14! When he had said that, I just laughed at him and told him to flip the coin and ask the question, what would prompt a little girl to leave the known for the unknown! My sister had called me Monday. She told me my brother was upset with me and was mad about something I told another brother because his friends were treating him differently. I became angry and said I can't believe he's still ranting about this same shit that I had already discussed it with him over a year ago. I didn't let my sister finish explaining what was going on. It wasn't til later that evening that I found out what it was I supposedly said to my other brother. Today when he called me, I explained to him that the concern he had wasn't valid because it was never discussed. I told him I felt it wasn't something to be discussed with anyone. Thats when he told me I need to get help for my anger instead of taking medicine for it. He preceeded in telling me that I would have to begin from the time I was sexually abused, and til then I would forever be an angry person. I poo poo'd him and said many people go through what I had gone through. I am fine with what and who I am. I choose not to be a victim. I am angry at my mother because we tried to protect her feelings on what was really occurring on the homefront. I recognized her as the weak sack of shit she is. To this day if I should express to her about my discomfort on visiting her at the family homestead she'll go into her sighs and lament her woes of being a single mother, holding a house down and feeding 4 children. I have no mercy for her. I remind her how the house was more important too her than her children. The house became an obsession for her. It was her way of showing I can do it you son's of bitches! I also told her that we would all have been better off going into foster care than the hell I was subjecting too not only from her brothers, male babysitter and step grandfather, but also from her horse shit. Yes, I know and knew it was difficult on her when we were young and still a major responsibility. But there came a time when things lost their priority with her. The speed and the alcohol became her demise. I was then turned into her lashing post. I fought back then and I still jab at her on my bad days. I want her to go to her grave knowing what she sacrificed along the way. Did I become a victim? Fuck no! I have become a feral pit bull! I am bound and determined not to let harm come to my family. Nor to a hurting child.......anyones child. I am not proud that I am a Savage, I would love nothing more than to be a delicate, prim and proper lady. But I am what I am. Regrettablely, I refuse to be subjected to people that I feel are morally crippled. Don't try too shove a prostitude in my face and tell me to be nice. Don't subject me to a 2 bit whore and expect me not to say anything. Yes Jim, you were correct in saying I'm a mean person. But tell me Jim, why is it that I have observed your pathetic efforts at obtaining Danna and I have never rebuffed you because of that? I have always thought of you as a dear and trusted friend. Of all that occurred that evening, the thing that I regret the most is losing you as a friend. 11:28 p.m. - 2003-02-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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