Genesis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vomit and Values Well, I guess it is time to just vomit this out. I'm rather sick of tears running down my cheeks and not even realize I have been crying. I'm crying now, but am fully aware of it. I have no self esteem. I have no perception of what and who I truly am. I give of myself, with rarely a moment of thought of what I really should be doing at that very moment. I never have it returned back, unless of course it is done during a convenient time for all. (Now, I'm sure I'm being overly sensitive with that statement) I was hurting real bad last January. Okay I was told how unfeminine I was. That comment hurt real bad. I want to feel like a Lady. A classy Lady. I want to feel comfortable in foofy things. ~*~ My 1st encounter with Denise was on the phone.....I did not like her at all. But, then we had to have a meeting in regards to a child I had of her's. We hit it off great. I really admired her. She is so pretty, so feminine, so everything I had always desired. I was impressed and amazed she liked me, and that we got along. ~*~ Today I discovered that I do have the ability to be passive aggressive. Who'd of thought I had the patience for such nonsense! So totally not my style. I suppose I confused that, with what I thought was sensitivity and compassion. I'm rather the impatient type and would much rather go for the jugular vein, so as to save time AND also a quicker time for the victim to lick their wounds. More humane in my book of 'Perverse Assumptions' than it is to prolong the pain and assault. ~*~ There were many things I didn't like about Denise. I avoided many get togethers with her, by begging off with a headache or such. But, when we did get together, I'd always feel so bad about the avoidance's of past invitations. ~*~ This isn't waa waa shit, I've documented many of my avoidance's in here along with the guilt of enjoying our time together. ~*~ I may not perceive myself as a Lady....hell, I have even documented that waa in here, on how I want to be a Lady. But, what I am is honest, compassionated, loyal, sarcastic, dry witted, spirited, aggressive and strong willed. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. My Mother lost many a live in babysitter due to my willfullness. I also have little tolerance for Caste Societies, and Pompousness. I was married to one of those and afterwards engaged to another. I drove both of them nuts.......but it was a defense mechanism at first with them. I had always felt a bit out of my league; not quite good enough. ~*~ I have resented for years, that I didn't help Charlene out with the 2 little black children she received as emergency place one time. She called me up all frazzled because she received 2 black children and when she gave them a bath and washed their hair, she just didn't know how she was to do their hair. Instead I went to a Sex tool Bridal Shower for Denise. Poor Charlene. Now everyone thinks she is racist because she doesn't take in little black children. But the reason she doesn't take them is because she doesn't know how to do their hair. I feel bad for not driving over and taking the time to show her. ~*~ Before Denise married Bill, she and her Mother got down on their knees and prayed that she'd find a rich man to marry. I'm not pulling this out of my ass. Her Mother told me this as I was driving her over to the Bridal Shower. I guess after Denise was done on her knees with her Mother in prayer, she'd get up and search for the riches dick to bend her knees too. We have all said she must give great hummers. The day of her Rehearsal Dinner she was wearing a full length mink coat and a 4 caret engagement ring (maybe it was 5, I can't remember which of the 2 it was, it was worth so much a Brinks Truck had to deliver it to her home) along with matching necklace, earrings and bracelet. ~*~ Denise told me today I was a mean angry person and that I needed to seek counseling for all that anger. I did agree with everything she said about my anger. But, I don't think I'm intentionally mean to people I care about. (This is when I discovered I must have been passive aggressive towards her) She then preceeded in telling me that I'm wasting my intelligence by doing nothing. I explained to her that I felt she was giving me far too much credit for intelligence and that I was busy during the days and not wasting myself. She poo poo'd what I do, when I told her the things I do during the week and once again how I'm not using my intelligences to the fullest potential. She also told me that I have a wonderful family and Husband and that I'm going to end up alone due to my anger and caustic comments. Okay........ Lets see here........ Now Denise is the one who is constantly using her intelligence and has the children who destroyed and caused Tens of Thousands of damage to their home and demolished their Merecede's while away in England. The other child went to a homecoming dance and pulled a knife out and threatened to kill her ex-boyfriend and his date. Yeah, okay. ~*~ I went over to visit Laura and Rita and boo hoo'd about Denise demeaning the things I do with my life. The angry part didn't bother me....its the truth, but to poo poo over the fact that what I do gets no compensation hurt. I don't need compensation to measure how worthy I am.....yeah, a contradiction on my self-esteem. But remember, I had a dream where I was only paid $2.oo. Rita and Laura laughed at me. They have know me for years and know that I'm not a mean person, that she probably was completely misunderstanding my humor and that what I do is very worth while. Rita was even laughing because she has a Master's Degree in Special Ed. and is running a Deli. ~*~ I then ran up to the school to help with Vinny's class....he noticed right away that I had gotten a hair cut and complimented me on it! Came home and when Tim came in the door I cried and cried about Denise saying that he would leave me and that I'd be all alone. Tim, for the first time, wiped my tears away and said that he'd never leave me, that he loves me and values everything I do. 9:18 p.m. - 2004-04-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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