Genesis

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Professional Mourner

I don't remember the exact time my Father died. I do remember the time when my sister called me to tell me that he had passed away. It was 3:20am and Law & Order was on the television.

I didn't react, I only thanked her for letting me know. When I got back into bed, Tim asked who it was. I said it was my sister telling me my Father had just passed away.

As I pulled the covers back over myself, I grumbled, as to why she'd call then, when nothing could be done.

A week or so prior to his death, when I'd be at a Mall, I'd causually check out dresses. I never tried them on, and I felt tremendous guilt for even thinking such thoughts.

As it turned out, I didn't have a new dress to wear for his funeral and had to purchase it after finding out.

I was numb and it was terribly difficult focusing. I did eventually find a couple that were suitable and instead of trying too decide which...I just took them both.

After all that ordeal, I forgot the damn dresses when we drove up for the wake and funeral.

Oh so cool and collect, I tried to be.

Dressing for the second night of the viewing, I realized I forgot my navy colored stocking. But my sister-in-law had an extra pair.

I'm not the type to overpack, but I was glad, at that moment, that other people do.

During those nights of the viewing, I remained composed and collected. I was very pleased with myself.

I came undone when the American Legion came in too play Taps.

At that moment, my life of encounters with my Father came full force, into my conscience mind.

I panicked because I felt something being released within my soul. My soul took over and all I could do was be a witness to what took place.

A sound came up out of me. It was such a mournful sound, a wailing. I tried to stop it, but I had no control over it. I saw people become frightened, it scared me even.

It was the very same sound that my Great Grandmother made when she went to the viewing of my Grandfather, her son.

We were young children when he passed away. I recall her being walked in with her other sons and crying. I recall her going to the coffin and trying to lift my Grandfather out. It was then that she made that sound.

Us kids were sitting in a different room, but the door was open and that is why we saw her coming in. When she went to the coffin and grabbed him up and began those sounds, us kids, laughed. People quickly went to the door and closed it.

The evening of my wail, and the initial shock was overcome by the people, some did try to console me.

Lordy, I remember the embarrassment just as acutely now as then.

Afterwards we went out for drinks. Of course that wail was discussed. I tried making light of it and said I should be hired out as a Professional Mourner.

The point of this is entry is that I want so bad too see 'The Passion of Christ'. But I have a horrible time of staying awake at the Theaters. I just can't sit that long without falling asleep.

6:57 p.m. - 2004-03-07

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