Genesis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old Pictures When Mom came down for Vinny's First Holy Communion, she brought with her, old pictures of mine that were either forgotten or sent to her. She is down sizing everything because she is selling the house. At first, I looked at the pictures just seeing how skinny I was. Dawn was over and she was going through the bag of pictures. The pictures that I got such a thrill over, because of the thiness....made her say "ew, nice posture mom". At that moment I looked at the picture and felt the acute pain of being that person then. Acutely shy Being on the fringe I was a Heroin addict when those pictures were taken. Off and On. Girls now a days cut themselves to release themselves from pain....sort of like a leeching. I'd get myself strung out on heroin just to feel the pain of withdrawl. Back then, I couldn't understand why withdrawling never had the same impact upon me as it was everybody else around me. I just assumed I must not have been a very addictive type person. At the same moment of feeling the acuteness of my self esteem then, I also saw features of my own children in those pictures. Funny how you look at yourself and go "ew", but they all seem to come together and make sense on your children. It isn't like I have suddenly developed that much love for myself. My self esteem still takes a constant beating. I no longer think of myself as being on the fringe, but on the cusp. Being on the cusp seems so much more positive than fringe. Cusp I associate with celestial bodies and fringe being close to the ground, getting all dirty and nappy. I'm so glad that my children didn't ever have to feel that way growing up. 2:22 p.m. - 2004-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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