Genesis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love One's Self The fight I had with Matthew Saturday night is still bothering me. Perhaps it is still bothering him, but neither of us have discussed it...perhaps that is the best. The end of the discussion ended with..."If truth is what you seek; then truth is what I will offer....but beware of what knowledge that carries." Sometimes, I think my inability to tell a lie is my downfall. For all the story telling I tell the Children for things they have done wrong versus just a plain old lecture, I sorely lack the ability to soften the truth of a situation. The fight had actually occurred on Friday night, as we all sat around the kitchen table. My pride of Matthew has never gone unnoticed to those who know me. To hear me speak of him, you'd think I thought he walked on water and had the potential to part the Red Sea all over again. I'm still pissed that Sandy took it upon herself to usurp my authority of a Parent and let the Children drink alcohol at her home. I DESPISE cool Parents! Anyhow, were all sitting at the table just talking and my Mother asked Matty if he had any girlfriends, he said no and I agree with him and then added that he has had a drink or two. Yes, I know it was uncalled for, but I felt the need to Humanize him and also to express my dismay of Sandy serving him. He got jerked and said I was immature. It dropped and conversation moved to other things. The following night when Matty came home from work, he walked past us all and didn't say hello....even though we all had greeted him. I later came into the kitchen and confronted him on his rudeness. He dismissed me and continued chatting on the computer. I walked away from him so as not to make a big deal about it while others may hear and went back to the livingroom. As we were tucking Vinny into bed, I saw Matty laying in his. I confronted him once again on his rudeness and refused to be dismissed. I grabbed him and tried getting him out of bed. He is big...much bigger than me...6 Foot to my 5'3"....so I grabbed his nose and his underarm hair and demanded he get the fuck up. He started crying, Vinny started crying and I started worrying that the commotion would draw attention....I walked out of the room. A few minutes later Matty was in the bathroom, still crying. I told him I wanted him in my room at once! He said he just wanted to be left alone. I informed him he didn't have that luxury and to get in there now. I asked once again what his problem was and how he felt I was immature. He said nothing...I asked if it was because I said he had no girlfriend? He said no, that he was upset about my telling about his one time drinking. He then preceeded in telling me he wished I could be more of a friend to him...someone he could tell things to. I told him I can not be his friend, that I am his Parent and somethings shouldn't be discussed between Parent and Child. He then said I felt my only duty to him was providing money, clothing, food and shelther. My only moment of emotion during the conversation in the bedroom was to laugh at the above comment. Prior to that he said I was being arrogant, at which I informed him he was mistaken, that I was trying to be as emotionless as possible so as to be as objectable as possible. I had also had Tim with me. When he made the statement about the only things I gave him, I laughed and asked where pray tell he obtained his wonderful qualities from? That they certainly didn't come from his biological Father! The gates then opened a crack and I spewed off about his Biological Father and how I had always feared that he would cause harm to him by physically hurting him or by influencing him with his poisonous being. I asked him if he saw any of those qualities in himself? He said "no" I turned to leave and told him, "If and when you desire the truth of your Father, I'll be waiting. But be careful because the truth has a way of hurting". Life is full of choices. I made all my own choices and take blame and fame for all of them. I don't regret anything I have done, for it has shaped me into me. And over time, I have learned to love myself. 9:36 a.m. - 2004-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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