Genesis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All For Me I hate leaving an entry up for any lenght of time where I depict myself as some out right psychopath. Sharon called me last night. She said she was reading my last entry about me and Matty and asked me if I felt I had gone a little over the top? I started crying and said yes. I then just poured out my heart on losing Matty. I first want to state, that I am grateful for the fact that God is giving me this time to slowly losing Matty. The alternative is much worse. I love all my Children, but I love them all differently. They all are unique in personality and I love each of those qualities and flaws. Matthew has always been mine and mine alone. He is loved by many....but what we have is ours alone. His biological Father was a very intimidating man. His threats were to be taken for truths and I tried to avoid him after our break up. It wasn't til Matty was about 3 years old that I decided to fight Paul. Hugo, a dear friend, retained and paid for an Attorney to help me fight Paul. Hugo was also a very powerful person who could sway the Law in his favor. But, unfortunately Hugo passed away in the middle of the fight, and the Attorney felt a debt to Hugo no longer existed. Matty had only seen his Biological Father 2 times and only as an infant. When Paul passed away I felt safe, but yet I mourned for the fact that Paul couldn't see what Beauty we brought to this world together. I never told Matty what a jerk he was. Matty never asked. I think he knew that would open many wounds that were barely healed. I have never fought with Matty. Its been over a week and the pain is still there. He is getting older and will soon be leaving me. It feels as if someone is sucking him from my soul. I never realize how much of me he consumed. I'm feeling so empty. So slowly empty. I thank God that I still have Vinny to focus upon! I have discovered an avenue that only I can share with Vinny! I spend my time at his school doing whatever it is I can do. I like knowing that he knows I'm somewhere in his school doing whatever needs to be done. I have also found out that I can eat lunch with him anytime I want! When I told Sharon about that, she asked if Vinny would want that? I said, "heck yeah! While the other kids are eating yucky school lunches, Vinny and I will be eating Burger King or McDonalds" Its a trade off.....I'll eat some kaka food, but have the pleasure of having him to myself! 8:45 p.m. - 2004-05-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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